…until you have to be. I think that is how it goes?
One thing people keep telling me is how “strong” I am. I just want to be sure to clear the air here.
2019 has been pure hell (yes, BEFORE the cancer diagnosis). It has been horrible and I have cried more tears, screamed the loudest, yelled at my kids the most when they needed me to be calm (which is so hard for me to write- yet it’s the truth and I want to be truthful here). I’m sure on social media- and even in person- things looked fine.
But when you have kids- when you have FOUR kids- you really have no choice but to keep going. Push through.
There were days where I just went through the motions- days where all I wanted was my 5:30pm glass of wine while the kids had their daily hour of screen time so I could just…sit. No one talking to me- no one touching me.
There were days where I longed for everyone to fall asleep so I could hide in my closet and listen to music and cry and cry and cry.
Yet other days- they were perfectly “normal” like nothing was going on.
That’s now trauma works. Somedays you are good- others you aren’t. And I found it’s often not predictable.
And…It also gives you perspective.
I mentioned that I’ve laughed about my cancer diagnosis. I’ve laughed that my port didn’t require preauthorization but the life saving medicine that needs to flow through it does. We’ve chosen to embrace this cancer- name the tumor- and then call him a dick (it feels incredible and is hilarious to go off on Carl. Very healing).
But I want to be clear- it’s not that I’m any stronger than you or anyone else. It’s because I have perspective. And It’s because I’ve chosen to embrace this journey instead of fight it (which I have struggled with this year in other areas of life- growth is a process people). It’s also because in my eyes- what other choice do I have? My baby is only 3 and I have big plans to watch her, and her siblings, grow up and live their lives and do their things- whatever they may choose. Justin and I have had plans to take these kids to far away places on the this earth and I am not letting Carl get in the way of that.
2019 may have been a year of trauma and pain- but 2020 will be a year of healing and growth.
And 2020 will end with me ringing that last bell and saying good bye to treatments- and hopefully 2021 will bring me a new head of thick, curly hair. A girl can dream, right?