Then There is the Guilt

Did you know that when you end up with cancer- you may find yourself feeling guilty?

No- I didn’t/don’t feel guilty that I HAVE cancer…but I did feel guilt that I didn’t find it soon enough. When Carl was biopsied he was already 4.5 cm long, per the u/s report.

People, my breasts are NOT that big. So 4.5 cm is BIG for my body.

(Side note: I never would have imagined discussing my breast size on a blog…. 2019 is constantly full of surprises!)

ANYWAY.

So this thing was huge when I found it. And my first feeling was… guilt. How did I not know this thing was in me? Especially because I had been breastfeeding up until 3 weeks before I found the lump- so I have been intimately aware of my breasts and their lumps for the last 11 years.

But…I admit I did not do official breast exams as regularly as I should have.

Thus…guilt.

Especially when I was waiting on those CT and MRI results…waiting to see if it spread somewhere.

However…I started thinking about things. And I realized that had I found the lumps earlier…there are things that wouldn’t have happened the way they did- and sometimes, in some ways- I think things happen the way they were supposed to.

(Another side note: I do NOT believe in the “Everything happens for a reason” BS…that is very different from my view that sometimes things happen when/the way they were supposed to. And also none of that “God only gave you as much as you can handle” stuff. Yeah that has no place here!)

For example…had I found those lumps just a couple weeks before…we wouldn’t be moving into an awesome new house next week that I DO think we were meant to have.

It’s made me think about all the BS we have been though this year and the way that each really horrible thing has been followed by something bright. As far as the cancer- I have been reconnected to SO MANY people I love dearly over the last couple weeks…and it has brought me so.much.joy that I can hardly think about it without tearing up (currently tearing up, FTR).

So after the guilt, came the peace of being able to see some of the positives of this horrible situation.

And for that, I am thankful.

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And those wondering about Carl? That asshole is going down SO HARD that I can BARELY feel him. After just 5 days!!!! This drug- Herceptin- is a true miracle.

(And as miracles go- there’s a Hallmark Movie about how it was made and I BOUGHT it and watched it while recovering yesterday…I totally cried. Damn you, Harry Connick, Jr.)